It’s impossible to take a BuzzFeed quiz just once. No one can. No one should.
Stage 1: The Questions Ahead
Each quiz question should be carefully dissected, discussed at length with your best friend over gchats, emails, facebook, or over coffee or a glass of wine, beer, cheese, froyo, a full pizza, a Chinese food buffet, or lots of sushi, or D) All of the Above.
No question can be overthought enough. There is no such thing as an under-scrutinized BuzzFeed quiz question.
In order to know the true outcome of the quiz, each question and its prospective answer must be heavily weighed against the other options, against the very fiber of who you are as a human being . Each quiz should be taken again the next day, to ensure the answers you chose were not being influenced by an outside source or the stresses of the previous day. How can you be absolutely sure that the “food you want to eat right now” is the same on Wednesday with a full stomach then it will be on Thursday when it’s chilly and rainy and all you want is 1,000 burritos with extra guac?
So yeah, maybe I take these quizzes as if I’m taking the SATs, or worse, the GREs.
Stage 2: The Questions Themselves
Did you know BuzzFeed Quiz creators are actually well trained in psychology and purposely present you with questions they know will cause you existential crises for days to come?
A true BuzzFeed quiz makes question your entire values, that is the point of existence . These quizzes present you with choices so hard that you’ll consult your deepest desires in order to answer as truthfully as possible. You may have to visit some dark places, folks. See Figures 1 through 4.
Choose a cat.
Typically one of the harder questions you will encounter on a BuzzFeed Quiz.
Perhaps I don’t relate to Sleepy Nap Kitty today, but what about tomorrow after I’ve stayed up late on the internet? THEN Nap Kitty might be who I will pick. But mostly, I identify closely to the orange cat reaching towards the camera because like–talk about cute and needing attention (me). But that Grey Kitty with the Blue Eyes? Looking wise, calm, yet ready to pounce (me). And I mean, who doesn’t love Cat With it’s Head Through Toast, right? A little forlorn at the bread situation, but may consider eating said bread even though it’s face has been all up in it (me).
Figure 2: Choose a Delectable Disney Dad
Do not mind if I do.
Personally, I cannot resist Mr. Incredible. But Chief Pawhatan. BUT KING TRITON.
3: Who is the Hottest?
How can you expect me to choose?
Figure 4: Who is the hottest? Part 2.
How can you expect me to choose part 2.
Stage 3: Quizzical Thoughts
- “Who made this quiz, was it the devil.”
- “This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my entire life. Good thing there are no real consequence to my actions. I hope.”
- “Question: What did I do last weekend? Answer: ‘ Watched Netflix’ , but that’s not really ME is it? More like ‘ Went to a few bars and danced,’ would be more accurate. A lie, but more accurate, right?”
- “And now I want a grilled cheese. Or do I want chinese food. Bollocks”
Stage 5: The Anticipation
Due to the scrolling once you tick off a question, you never know which question is the last one. You don’t know what question is your last chance to know, last chance to pick. You look at each question and think, “ with essence divided?” and like, what does that even mean, Dumbledore?
Stage 6: The Results
The true moment of truth. A reveal with substance, unlike the ending of Serial.
I took the “Which Harry Potter Book Matches Your Personality” quiz, and got Sorcerer’s Stone. Pretty accurate. It was one of the first quizzes where I was actually happy with the results on the first shot. But that didn’t stop me from taking the quiz a hundred times. And it certainly didn’t stop me from making all my friends take the quiz and report back on their answers.
I took this quiz over and over. I needed to know which Harry Potter book was the opposite of my personality. I took the quiz to see if I could match answers to particular books (got them all on my first attempts.) I was seconds away from creating pie charts and bar graphs of everyone’s results (most people were getting Deathly Hallows. What could it mean?!). I changed only a few answers to see what book was a second best match to my personality. And some of my friends did the same.
I talked at length about each question. For the “Which Death Eater are you afraid of the least,” I chose Igor because he is such a coward. My best friend chose Draco because “eff that dweep,” she said.
What to do now? Try Finding the Anti-You
After dealing with a potential unexpected existential crisis if the answer wasn’t what you expected, go back and carefully scrutinize your original answers. Other options include taking the a quiz for your friend attempting to correctly guess all their answers. Fingers crossed you do not insult them by picking the wrong “All-time favorite slang phrase.” Friendships beware.
But here’s the thing about BuzzFeed quizzes: find the darkest timeline. Find your anti-self, the anti-you.
I can’t move on without knowing what I would get if I put in all my opposite answers. Choosing all unappealing answers allows for a new perspective. It’s critical to know which Julia Louis-Dreyfus is my anti-Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Which teen heartthrob should I absolutely NOT date? I found that my anti- Harry Potter book personality was Order of the Phoenix. G ood because nobody really likes that book anyways (just kidding, I like that book).
Now Go Forth
Take these quizzes. Tell us your answers in the comments. THIS IS IMPORTANT.
- Which Harry Potter Book Are You?
- What Font Are You
- What Job Would You Have in the Harry Potter Wizarding World?
- And if you want to get real meta take this Slate quiz in the style of a BuzzFeed quiz about which BuzzFeed quiz you are and then take that quiz and let us know everything that happened.